In the beginning: Most people think of Groundhog Day as a frivolous custom; an innocuous holiday celebrated more for tradition than anything else. The popular conception of Groundhog Day goes like this: Every year on February 2nd, we good-hearted folk wait with bated breath for the emergence of a subterranean rodent. If said rodent decides to come out, we can look forward to an early spring. However, if that furry motherfucker sees his shadow and retreats back underground, we’re looking at six more weeks of winter. Sounds cute, right?
WRONG! Like most things in life, the truth is much, much darker. It dates back to a time in world history when humanity itself was in danger of falling into endless oppression and subjugation. So come with me now on a magic mystery tour of groundhog intrigue…
Back Then: The early part of the 1900s saw fascism sweeping through Europe. Post-WWI, piece of shit despots were popping up like sores on a hooker’s junk. A HOOKER’S JUNK! Anyway, in a city located in present day Argentina, one of these Mussolini/Franco/Hitler-esque knockoffs was on the rise. His name was Louise Montebagno, and he began by promising safety and security for the people of this sleepy village, but it soon became clear that his mad quest for ultimate power was anything but benign. Burning books, imprisoning dissenters and killing without impunity were par for the course. When brave souls found the strength to question this asshole’s modus operandi, they were invariably met with the Stallone-like cry of, “I AM THE LAW!”
AND THEN THERE WAS HOGG: As is often the case in such oppressive environs, a thriving underground of freedom fighters began to take shape. Eventually, one man, or rather, one whistle-pig, stepped forward as the leader of the movement: Francis Hogg (that name may sound pretty white-bread, and it is, but that’s just how it translates into English; if you were to hear the name in his species’ native tongue, it would no doubt be indecipherable). So, where was I? Oh yeah, Hogg. So this Hogg cat had been a small time dope-runner around the time Montebagno came into power. He spent his days slingin’ yayo and his nights visiting his number one gal at the town’s most popular brothel. Her name was Angelica, and Hogg had dreams of making enough money in the drug game to take her away from a life of prostitution. As it happens, Montebagno was also a man of dangerous appetites, and the massacring of prostitutes was a favorite pastime of his. When Angelica’s ravaged corpse was discovered in the brothel, it was common knowledge that Montebagno had been responsible. Something inside of Hogg died that day. He buried his love, and vowed to take vengeance on the man who killed her.
Wham, Bam, Thank You Montebagno: Hogg used his money and connections to sabotage Montebagno’s regime at every turn. His soldiers were found dead. His compounds were infiltrated by members of the resistance. In short, his stalwart grip on the people of the village began to slip. The final straw came when a small group of freedom fighters, led by the valiant Hogg, managed to tunnel their way into Montebagno’s palace. Once there, explosives were set to demolish the home that had been built on human suffering. But first, Hogg confronted Montebagno himself. No records remain of what might have been said between the two men, but I’m guessing it went something like this:
“My name is Francis Hogg. You killed my girl Angelica. Prepare to die!”
Anyway, Hogg failed to escape the palace before it was blown to smithereens. The grateful villagers were so touched by his sacrifice that they vowed to celebrate his courage on a special day every year: February 2nd. When these very same villagers began to immigrate to America, they took the holiday with them. Over the years it transformed into what we have today. When we celebrate that groundhog coming up from underground, we are really celebrating the courageous sacrifice of Hogg as he emerged from his own tunnel. But instead of searching for his shadow in the hopes of telling future weather patterns, Hogg was searching for freedom, love and a peace he never found on Earth.
Sooooooooo: That’s why we here at Synthesis celebrate this sacred holiday in the best way we know how: getting completely shit-faced. So come on down to your local watering hole this February 2nd and raise a glass in honor to a brave, compassionate man. May you and Angelica find eternal peace in heaven, good buddy. Mmmwwwaaahhh!
